Sixteen Pavians, of whom five currently in critical condition, were admitted to the Pavian Hospital of the Well-Heeled last night as a result of a violent confrontation among widespread unrest in the city. The incident, reportedly involving a scarecrow in the likeness of the Prime Minister, took place around midnight near the docks. A statement from a representative of the Coast Guard mentions that no arrests are planned due to a lack of handcuffs resulting from the latest series of budget cuts.
Among the victims in critical condition is a 7 year old girl from Vetranio, suffering from loss of multiple limbs. Her aunt Margaret, witness to the incident, says she is ‘deeply concerned’ about the current state of the neighbourhood, and described the situation as ‘complex’. “But this is what happens when hardworking people and honest businesses are villainized”. The girl is expected to make a partial recovery.
A spokesperson for the hospital emphasized that doctors are working around the clock as volunteers due to the increase in patients in the last two months. In order to continue to provide care for patients, an increase in funding is desperately needed. Prices for overnight stays have tripled in the last 10 days and the hospital has eliminated water refreshments for patients. The hospital expects to make more necessary service cuts soon and is considering scaling down the emergency unit. “We are struggling to maintain the pricings for medical donuts”.
According to the spokesperson, an increasing number of patient bills are funded by a group of involved, highranking nobles. One participating duke, who wished to remain unnamed, related his commitment to help to ‘Lugano values’, and stated that he has been horrified to see how normalized the outbreak of violence in the city has become in national politics. The duke declined to comment on potential future prospects of patient care financing, but stated that the nobility is fully committed to ensuring the availability of proper medical care for established citizens. “We will always be there for Pavians when they need us”.
In response to request for comment the office of the Prime Minister has stated: “The Prime Ministers office is now closed. Your message will be read during working hours”.
